Mopey
I know I'm dwelling too much on the bad reviews for Lich Queen and all the nonsense that's happened/will continue to happen with Ethan. I know that. But I can't stop myself because I feel like it confirms what I've always feared since I started getting published. My readers don't want MY writing. They want lesbian books and it's not that I'm a good writer, I'm just writing something in a niche where there's demand. Because anything I put out under my own name that isn't queer-focused bombs.
And then I get all knotted up over the fact that I write queer books anyway when I'm straight, because it's totally disingenuous and I feel like I'm...I don't know, latching onto something that isn't mine. It feels almost manipulative.
And then I get more knotted up because that's not my intention. I love everything I write and I don't personally care whether the characters are queer or straight; I just write the books that come to me. But there's no denying that I accidentally fell into writing lesbian-orientated stuff and gaining somewhat of a name for that. It was never my plan, and however I feel about my writing, there's also no denying that it's becoming hard for me to A) have faith in my ideas and B) write some of the books I've always wanted to write...because NOBODY is going to want them.
I've thought about switching to a pen name for straight UF, but two pen names is about my limit as long as I have to also work 9-5, which I always will. I've thought about just saying "fuck it" and writing solely queer-focused stuff, but it will slowly kill me to never write some of the other non-queer stories I want to write. I've thought about saying "fuck it" and just writing whatever the fuck I want regardless, but then it slowly kills me to see the lack of reaction/bad reviews for the non-queer stuff, because it just confirms that fear that I'm actually no good at all and readers are just hungry for anything that gives them more queer characters, regardless of quality.
And then I get stuck in this rut where I feel like I can't even talk about that without sounding...something. I'm really proud that a queer audience has found my books and enjoys them and I don't want to sound like "ick, I'm ungrateful, I've been pigeon-holed," because I am grateful and I believe strongly in the importance of representation, and if I'm helping and contributing in some way, that's fucking awesome.
But at the same time, I want to write books with lesbians and books with straight folks and books with no fucking romance at all and books with characters with mental illness and books where sexuality doesn't ever come up and just all the fucking books I want.
I feel really stuck at the moment, to the point where I just don't want to write at all because it feels like whatever direction I go in, I'm going to make the wrong choice for myself. I've worked so hard all my life to be published and to be a good fucking writer and I don't want to throw it away, but there just seems to be no solution to this that works.
And then I get all knotted up over the fact that I write queer books anyway when I'm straight, because it's totally disingenuous and I feel like I'm...I don't know, latching onto something that isn't mine. It feels almost manipulative.
And then I get more knotted up because that's not my intention. I love everything I write and I don't personally care whether the characters are queer or straight; I just write the books that come to me. But there's no denying that I accidentally fell into writing lesbian-orientated stuff and gaining somewhat of a name for that. It was never my plan, and however I feel about my writing, there's also no denying that it's becoming hard for me to A) have faith in my ideas and B) write some of the books I've always wanted to write...because NOBODY is going to want them.
I've thought about switching to a pen name for straight UF, but two pen names is about my limit as long as I have to also work 9-5, which I always will. I've thought about just saying "fuck it" and writing solely queer-focused stuff, but it will slowly kill me to never write some of the other non-queer stories I want to write. I've thought about saying "fuck it" and just writing whatever the fuck I want regardless, but then it slowly kills me to see the lack of reaction/bad reviews for the non-queer stuff, because it just confirms that fear that I'm actually no good at all and readers are just hungry for anything that gives them more queer characters, regardless of quality.
And then I get stuck in this rut where I feel like I can't even talk about that without sounding...something. I'm really proud that a queer audience has found my books and enjoys them and I don't want to sound like "ick, I'm ungrateful, I've been pigeon-holed," because I am grateful and I believe strongly in the importance of representation, and if I'm helping and contributing in some way, that's fucking awesome.
But at the same time, I want to write books with lesbians and books with straight folks and books with no fucking romance at all and books with characters with mental illness and books where sexuality doesn't ever come up and just all the fucking books I want.
I feel really stuck at the moment, to the point where I just don't want to write at all because it feels like whatever direction I go in, I'm going to make the wrong choice for myself. I've worked so hard all my life to be published and to be a good fucking writer and I don't want to throw it away, but there just seems to be no solution to this that works.